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Old April 9th, 2008, 06:32 PM   #1
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NAB this year

I have it on good authority that this years NAB will consist of the announcements of new products that you were not previously aware of.

In additional news, many products that will be unveiled at NAB are currently secret, although I have been privvie to some insider information on some of them.

Sony for example are expected to announce the release of their new cameras with Actor Correction *tm technology. When this function is turned on, anyone, such as your mates in your latest home made feature will instantly be turned into someone with the screen presence of Steve McQueen and the voice of Barry White. Sony chief, Bob Ott, said that this will revolutionise the industry. Although many reporters at news stations are worried that this will mean that blonde bimbos with even less talent than the current blonde bimbos will be able to become news reporters and take over their jobs.

Other new equipment that will be on show at NAB will be Avids brand new retro suite. This is a new system that combines a non linear workflow with 3/4" tape. An Avid spokesman told me that this was a way to entice old talent back into the industry.

Anton Baeur will cause a stir with a new DIY battery kit. Frustrated with the way kids are abandoning science, the new DIY kits will teach a dual lesson to children about how chemicals react, and also the consequences if they get things wrong, such as 1st degree burns.

Grass Valley have gained a sense of humour by making available a special edition of their new Infinity camera. Built to coincide with Toy Story 3, the new camera will include a pull-cord that will play Buzz Lightyear's most famous sayings. Gras Valley also told us that this is one of the most requested functions of a camera when shooting a press conference.

Finally, Jim Jannard is due to reveal 'Violet'. Violet will compliment the range by filling a new gap in the market. While Scarlett is a pocket camera, Violet is designed to be a camera combined with a multi-gym. A new set of cages will be available to fit onto the side of the new camera, including a treadmill cage, and a bench press. Now you can film video and work out at the same time. Jim told us that it would revolutionise the industry.
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Old April 9th, 2008, 06:41 PM   #2
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Fun

Love it...
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Old April 9th, 2008, 06:51 PM   #3
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Damn, cause I decided not to go.
Cheers.
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Old April 9th, 2008, 10:24 PM   #4
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Damn! And I was really hoping Sony were going to announce their new 'People Filter TM' technology.

Rumour has it that on the new mid-range Prosumer cams you would be able to it turn on and, instantly, ALL those Joe Public type characters....you know, the ones that just hang around to make sure they GET INTO YOUR SHOT (of something you've spent ages setting up) and ruin it completely by their "Oh look, dear, I'm going to be on TV/in a film" expressions!

With a flick of a (user assignable) switch you would be able to retain the "original picture", minus the offending people present, still in full HD of course!

Professional high-end Sony cameras would also have 'People Filter Select' TM where you could choose (via the touch screen LCD, it's rumoured) exactly which in-shot persons you wanted to remove, hence "Select"....i.e. you could keep any blonde in shot, if wanted.

It's said you might have the choice of optional sound effects (of your choice/playback volume) with this high end variant with each "extermination" from the screen as you eliminate them from view with a tap of your finger (....Dr Who/Star Trek style!?!?)

Maybe next year!

NEWS FLASH!

It's rumoured that Panasonic might be about to launch 'Active Shot Predictor' TM. In full auto mode this will enable the camera to be pointing at the correct subject and/or something interesting that is "about" to happen AND be rolling AND in focus without any "intervention" of the operator AT ALL to screw it up....it also automatically loads a new tape for you as well to make sure it's always ready. The cam operators only function is to hold a sun parasole nearby that has solar panels all over it which, via a non-unpluggable (by accident), cable ensures the battery is always fully charged enough not to die mid-shot.

Also, further rumours that Sony's 'Nude Shot' TM has been delayed because of potential litigation issues. This feature is based on the new high-tech airline scanner imaging technology (as seen at Heathrow) and would be an additional feature to expand their already common 'Night Shot TM' on single chip cams. It will enable the camera to see through clothing and is expected to be a big hit in the (male dominated) consumer camcorder market once these issues are resolved.....
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Last edited by Andy Wilkinson; April 10th, 2008 at 06:51 AM. Reason: typos/adding more humour
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Old April 13th, 2008, 03:03 PM   #5
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More new just in from NAB.

Sony have announced that in future all their cameras will have 'Total Invisibility' TM coatings (both body and lense.) This special coating ensures no one knows anything about them, at all, until Sony announce them officially. They will provide consumers with an "unlocking key code" at the Sony press conference which then renders the new camera totally visible to humans (either in person or on web pictures.)

It's rumoured the PMW-EX5 may be the first camera to sport this new technology....maybe it already exists....but we just don't know yet!
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Old April 13th, 2008, 03:10 PM   #6
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Oh Andy ;-)
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