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Old December 13th, 2005, 06:46 PM   #1
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Well, Dylan hasn't posted the links yet, but I thought I'd get a jump on things by posting a feedback thread for my entry. This gives me an opportunity to tell all of you what a fine bunch of folks you are, and how happy I am to have discovered this dvinfo community.

I had some friends that were finalists in the Amazon short film competition, and the nasty, terrible attacks the filmmakers made on each other were in marked contrast to the supportive, fellowship of filmmakers found here.
Of course, if there were 50 grand on the line, perhaps we would be throwing bards too, but I don't think so.

My favorite part of this competition is hearing the feedback, encouragement, and suggestions for improvements from all you wonderful people. Okay, enough kissing butt...

I got the idea for my film from the dark, twilight zone episodes of the early seventies. Supernatural spirits, teen horror, things to make you jump in the dark. I knew it was a sure fire DV4 winner as soon as I wrote it.

But we didn't shoot my short. My wife intervened. She said my script sucked. I don't beleive she got the whole twlight zone vision thing, what with it only being words on paper. But she did have a point that I risked losing the support of the parents of my teenagers, (not to mention jeapordizing her position as Chairman of the Methodist Evangilism committee), by placing my teenage acting student in situations that were not in sync with the overriding Christian community in which we live.

So I put it to a vote. What did my kids think? The boy liked the creepy suernatural element, and the girls liked my wife's story. So that's what we shot. At least she let me keep the cemetery location...
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Old December 13th, 2005, 08:11 PM   #2
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I look at the church issues like this. If the bad people end up paying a price for their non-church oriented actions, you can claim it is a moral, precautionary tale.

On the other hand, if the bad guys win, you're on your own getting that past the "commitee".

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Old December 19th, 2005, 02:41 PM   #3
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Hey, I see Dylan posted the latest entries. So I'm touching this one so it won't get missed. But I thought there were 13?
Am I missing one?
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Old December 19th, 2005, 04:34 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dick Mays
Hey, I see Dylan posted the latest entries. So I'm touching this one so it won't get missed. But I thought there were 13?
Am I missing one?
No, I just can't count.

Either that or I missed one, and I'm sure someone will remind me if I did.
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Old December 19th, 2005, 08:35 PM   #5
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Good entry overall, but I think the story doesn't come across as well as it should've. The main problem for me is with the acting in the cemetary, which doesn't ring true: the girl doesn't sound really upset. Maybe it also has to do with the dialog. It is surprising because I liked the acting much better in the previous scene. I thought there was good chemistry between the 2 girls in that scene.

I can see what you where trying to do with the song, but I think instrumental music would have worked better with this movie.

I wonder what the movie would have been if you'd gone with your original idea.
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Old December 19th, 2005, 09:38 PM   #6
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Gosh, Dick--the girls sure chose a difficult story!! It's not always good to vote, you know. ;)

I'm not known as the quickest to pick up on things, so would you help me by explaining the story? When Benjamin explained his movie I watched it again and thoroughly enjoyed it. I think the same thing will happen here.
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Old December 19th, 2005, 09:45 PM   #7
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Well, one girl is having health issues. The other girl knows about it, but we share the perspective of the boy, who knows that something is not quite right, but doesn't know exactly what it is.

The uncertainty of the future, life after death, life after chemo, what becomes of us, these are the issues. When you have a health issue, you are uncertain of the future. So the script tries to bring you into the world of these kids, and their struggle to understand that which is not understandable.

Now my wifes orginal script had dialog that lays out all the issues at the end, but I cut it all, as it seemed to me to be expository, and I rather like the unknowing of it all...
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Old December 19th, 2005, 09:48 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jean-Francois Robichaud

I wonder what the movie would have been if you'd gone with your original idea.
I actually liked my wife's script better than mine, after I had shot and edited it. Mine was full of cliche', while my wife's had more heart.
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Old December 19th, 2005, 09:57 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Dick Mays
Now my wifes orginal script had dialog that lays out all the issues at the end, but I cut it all, as it seemed to me to be expository, and I rather like the unknowing of it all...
Okay, I probably would have fared better with your wife's version! It's a good story. I sure don't like the prospect of someone [of any age] having to wrestle with so many issues and questions....but that's life!

Thanks, Dick, and tell all your "kids" thank you, as well. They did a nice job, and I look forward to seeing them again.
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Old December 20th, 2005, 09:06 AM   #10
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The story is a good one and I have said this before, it difficult to get in, tell a story and get out clean in 4 minutes. Especially with a topic like this one. I would have wanted more foreshadowing of her impending demise. I am wondering if she pulls through with treatment or if she dies. I know that's not the actual point of the story but you created a question in my, and maybe others minds and we are left with that question.

My only other minor critique is that there were a few spots where the action or dialog could perhaps have been tighter. I know it would have disrupted slow steady pace but it sort of hangs, just briefly in a few spots.

Acting can always be better, look at mine. I should fire the guy in mine but he's got such a great personality. Don't let that comment discourage your cast. Let them walk away from it for a while and come back and watch their acting with fresh eyes and have them review each other. It's work to make it believable. I'm still working on mine. Aparently acting natural isn't the same as acting.

Looking good.

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Old December 20th, 2005, 09:18 AM   #11
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OK here goes...

For me it wasn't clear why they where in a church, why they walked to the cemetery, and why was the girl falling down? Was she anorexia? Apparently they had to do something with 4 year old kids, but I didn't see them. I think the girls were going to give either a show or a talk.. why would Christian girls ask where someone is after they are gone? Anyway I've worked in churches and in ministry for many years and just had a hard time with this one... maybe the wife script would have explained it better... the acting though didn't bother me.... Nice close ups and editing....
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Old December 20th, 2005, 04:20 PM   #12
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Well, if it wasn't clear, it wasn't clear. My wife teaches Sunday School, and I think it has to do with a kid having a serious health issue, worried about her mortality, and the thoughtlessness of friends that can say clueless things, like "if you think that, then you're not a Christian." But you have to ask my wife, she wrote it.

I think it may be based on true events.
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Old December 21st, 2005, 08:35 AM   #13
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I grew up in midwest churches although I stopped going many many years back. As a younger adult I knew for a fact many of the kids I went to church and church activities with wern't going out of dedication but for something to do. There's a big differenrce. I know many kids who after years of going were still not sure what they were hearing each Sunday. Some are just going as a social activity and aren't actually into the religion of it all so I understood the questioning.

Church going where I grew up, and I'm sure it's not so different elsewhere is more like - get them used to coming while they are young and maybe it will sink in to some of them. The rest of us wander off on our own journey as time goes by but those that you can get early on may well stick with it. Unfortunatly for me, I see a lot of older folks now who were part of that "get 'em young" mentality who are not truely devoted to a cause, or particularly Christian in action during the week. Going to church and sponsored activities has become just a way of life for them. Again, a big difference for me.

Enough preachin' to the choir.

Good show except for the minor things I noted earlier.

Sean McHenry
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