Feedback on my first short idea please. at DVinfo.net

Stephen Deboo · June 5th, 2007, 12:52 PM

Hi all, thinking of making my first short based on a couple (high school sweethearts) that are married and have an invite to a school reunion. shots of Porsche keys and early departures to get the best and highly visible parking space outside., then cutting to the greets and big boasts on how they have both achieved their lives leading to envious chatter from all they have spoken too, then head off home nice shot of Rolex on Stearing wheel of Porsche then Alarm wakes next morning and then the punch shot of said keys dropping back into the hands of the rental guy.

A play on how full of BS we all are when we meet up with old school friends. (BTW Rolex was fake)

comments anyone

Thanks

Yeo Wee Han · June 11th, 2007, 01:44 AM

Hmmm Stephen, if they are that well-off, they should not need to leave home early to get a great parking lot. It should be reserved for them a year ago! :)

Cheers

WeeHan

Stephen Deboo · June 11th, 2007, 03:15 AM

WeeHan,

They are not well off, they win the use of the car the same weekend that the reunion is on, and as they were always considered second best by their school mates, they wanted to get the final say in, but the fact that they don't own the car comes out the next day when he has to hand the keys back to the rental company and get back into his own regular car. When your watching you dont get any real clues that they are not well off until the end scene.

Dylan Pank · June 11th, 2007, 04:12 AM

The idea is OK but it depends how long you want it to be. This kind of story (set up and then a punchline) is the kind of thing you normally get in TV commercials that are between 30-60 seconds long.

If you want to make a longer film you'll need a more intricate story. Also think about the old Hitchcock difference between surprise and suspense. You have the idea of surprise. "Ta da, that's the twist guys, did you see it coming?" the danger is either everyone DOES see it coming or are disappointed by it. that's got more to do with execution and can't really be guaged from your simple outline. But I would say the above idea would make a 1-2 minute short film.

On the other hand if you wanted to make a slightly longer film (5-10 minutes) you could show the fellow renting the car in the morning, going to the party, boasting, and then half way through the party sees the rental guy. Flashback to their school days, turns out the rental guy was a nerd who got picked on, the Porsche guy was one of the bullies. Now the story is about the Porsche guy trying to avoid the rental guy, and the rental guy tracking him, possibly trying to think of a way to exact revenge. Or the other way around, the Rental Guy was the bully and the Nerd has the Porsche.

That's just one example. There are a hundred ways you could develop it. But anyway, the themes you're talking about them become part of the plot rather than just a moral at the end.

One question, how are you going to establish that the Rolex is fake?

Stephen Deboo · June 11th, 2007, 04:23 AM

Dylan, if you like rather than try to explain in detail I could send you the script and see what you think. BTW the opening intro shots are of the main character driving the Porsche picking up things ie suit from dry cleaners and something from a mate (watch). then pulling up on his driveway.

Dylan Pank · June 11th, 2007, 05:31 AM

Stephen, I don't really have time to do a full script feedback, but how long do you think it will be as a film?

You could fill the script with the details from the character's day: brushing his teeth, checking his email, phoning his mum. Do they make an interesting story? Frank Darabont refers to "Shoe Leather Shots", i.e. filling in between the important narrative events.

The story is your characters. You said "They were always considered second best by their school mates." well, that's where your story is. That's what we need to know about. How are you going to build up those aspects?

How do you think the audience should feel when they see the rental keys returned? Are the audience members going to feel duped at the end, that these two people conned them as well as their old on screen school mates, or are they going to feel satisfied that these two characters got one back on their old nemeses?

As I said, I think your basic story is worth about 2 minutes of screen time, more than that means developing a few more turns. My idea was just an example of that, and I'm not saying you should make it as your story.

Will Mahoney · June 11th, 2007, 09:08 AM

Stephen,
I like the overall idea. It's very topical. Lots and lots and lots of people are in the type of situation that you are describing with your idea: Out of school for a length of time, how do I measure up against my peers? Are they still my peers? Who am I "better than" now compared to then?

This idea also spills into a deeper subject: Am I happy with life? Since High School/College, have I made the right choices? Am I doing the appropriate occupation/job/lifestyle? Would I rather be doing something else?

At least, those are the things that your idea brings to mind for me. I'm about to be 28 (yes, 10 whole years out of H.S.) and think about these things frequently.

Dylan Pank · June 11th, 2007, 10:38 AM

Indeed, certianly one thing it has is a clear theme, that provides a subtext your audience (and your actors) can hook into. Many short films don't have that.

June 5th, 2007, 12:52 PM	#1
Stephen Deboo Regular Crew Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Portugal Posts: 27	Feedback on my first short idea please. Hi all, thinking of making my first short based on a couple (high school sweethearts) that are married and have an invite to a school reunion. shots of Porsche keys and early departures to get the best and highly visible parking space outside., then cutting to the greets and big boasts on how they have both achieved their lives leading to envious chatter from all they have spoken too, then head off home nice shot of Rolex on Stearing wheel of Porsche then Alarm wakes next morning and then the punch shot of said keys dropping back into the hands of the rental guy. A play on how full of BS we all are when we meet up with old school friends. (BTW Rolex was fake) comments anyone Thanks __________________ Canon 5D Mark II, 24-105mm F4L, 50mm F1.4, 16-35mm F2.8L Flash 580EXII Manfrotto 701HDV Tripod. Apple Mac Pro Dual 3Ghz + 4Gig Apple Cinema display 23"

June 11th, 2007, 03:15 AM	#3
Stephen Deboo Regular Crew Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Portugal Posts: 27	WeeHan, They are not well off, they win the use of the car the same weekend that the reunion is on, and as they were always considered second best by their school mates, they wanted to get the final say in, but the fact that they don't own the car comes out the next day when he has to hand the keys back to the rental company and get back into his own regular car. When your watching you dont get any real clues that they are not well off until the end scene. __________________ Canon 5D Mark II, 24-105mm F4L, 50mm F1.4, 16-35mm F2.8L Flash 580EXII Manfrotto 701HDV Tripod. Apple Mac Pro Dual 3Ghz + 4Gig Apple Cinema display 23"

June 11th, 2007, 04:12 AM	#4
Dylan Pank Major Player Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Portsmouth, UK Posts: 611	The idea is OK but it depends how long you want it to be. This kind of story (set up and then a punchline) is the kind of thing you normally get in TV commercials that are between 30-60 seconds long. If you want to make a longer film you'll need a more intricate story. Also think about the old Hitchcock difference between surprise and suspense. You have the idea of surprise. "Ta da, that's the twist guys, did you see it coming?" the danger is either everyone DOES see it coming or are disappointed by it. that's got more to do with execution and can't really be guaged from your simple outline. But I would say the above idea would make a 1-2 minute short film. On the other hand if you wanted to make a slightly longer film (5-10 minutes) you could show the fellow renting the car in the morning, going to the party, boasting, and then half way through the party sees the rental guy. Flashback to their school days, turns out the rental guy was a nerd who got picked on, the Porsche guy was one of the bullies. Now the story is about the Porsche guy trying to avoid the rental guy, and the rental guy tracking him, possibly trying to think of a way to exact revenge. Or the other way around, the Rental Guy was the bully and the Nerd has the Porsche. That's just one example. There are a hundred ways you could develop it. But anyway, the themes you're talking about them become part of the plot rather than just a moral at the end. One question, how are you going to establish that the Rolex is fake? Last edited by Dylan Pank; June 11th, 2007 at 05:32 AM.

June 11th, 2007, 04:23 AM	#5
Stephen Deboo Regular Crew Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Portugal Posts: 27	Dylan, if you like rather than try to explain in detail I could send you the script and see what you think. BTW the opening intro shots are of the main character driving the Porsche picking up things ie suit from dry cleaners and something from a mate (watch). then pulling up on his driveway. __________________ Canon 5D Mark II, 24-105mm F4L, 50mm F1.4, 16-35mm F2.8L Flash 580EXII Manfrotto 701HDV Tripod. Apple Mac Pro Dual 3Ghz + 4Gig Apple Cinema display 23"

June 11th, 2007, 09:08 AM	#7
Will Mahoney Major Player Join Date: May 2007 Location: Cleveland, Ohio Posts: 259	Good idea, though... Stephen, I like the overall idea. It's very topical. Lots and lots and lots of people are in the type of situation that you are describing with your idea: Out of school for a length of time, how do I measure up against my peers? Are they still my peers? Who am I "better than" now compared to then? This idea also spills into a deeper subject: Am I happy with life? Since High School/College, have I made the right choices? Am I doing the appropriate occupation/job/lifestyle? Would I rather be doing something else? At least, those are the things that your idea brings to mind for me. I'm about to be 28 (yes, 10 whole years out of H.S.) and think about these things frequently.

June 11th, 2007, 01:44 AM	#2
Yeo Wee Han Regular Crew Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Singapore Posts: 155	Hmmm Stephen, if they are that well-off, they should not need to leave home early to get a great parking lot. It should be reserved for them a year ago! :) Cheers WeeHan

June 11th, 2007, 05:31 AM	#6
Dylan Pank Major Player Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Portsmouth, UK Posts: 611	Stephen, I don't really have time to do a full script feedback, but how long do you think it will be as a film? You could fill the script with the details from the character's day: brushing his teeth, checking his email, phoning his mum. Do they make an interesting story? Frank Darabont refers to "Shoe Leather Shots", i.e. filling in between the important narrative events. The story is your characters. You said "They were always considered second best by their school mates." well, that's where your story is. That's what we need to know about. How are you going to build up those aspects? How do you think the audience should feel when they see the rental keys returned? Are the audience members going to feel duped at the end, that these two people conned them as well as their old on screen school mates, or are they going to feel satisfied that these two characters got one back on their old nemeses? As I said, I think your basic story is worth about 2 minutes of screen time, more than that means developing a few more turns. My idea was just an example of that, and I'm not saying you should make it as your story.

June 11th, 2007, 10:38 AM	#8
Dylan Pank Major Player Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Portsmouth, UK Posts: 611	Indeed, certianly one thing it has is a clear theme, that provides a subtext your audience (and your actors) can hook into. Many short films don't have that.