How about this for a contract?

[Philip Howells]

The recent thread about contracts etc reminded me of some Terms of Business published by a UK wedding video production company on its website. Firstly the English grammar is appalling eg “we are under no obligation to carry out any of our obligations”.

In some cases the writer’s desire to use long words and sound important creates clauses which are nonsense;
“2.2 You must pay us the balance of the Price (shown on the booking form) in full (and if by cheque, made payable to (owners name) that cheque has cleared) at least 10 days before the date when the Event is to take place. If you do not do so we will not have any liability to you, and if we so decide we shall be entitled in our absolute discretion to forfeit the whole or part of the deposit”.

In another instance they appear to admit they’ll be bound by UK criminal law;
“3.5 We do not exclude our liability to you for any death or personal injury or damage to property that may have been caused by our negligence or that of any our employees”. Given what else they try and get out of, agreeing that if they kill someone they'll be liable is pretty big of them.

My guess is that they meant the opposite because the next clause says:
“any other warranty or legal obligation on our part or placed on us by any legislation (such as the Supply of Goods and Services Act 1982 and the Sale of Goods Act 1993) or arising under common law is excluded in so far as it (sic) possible to do so.”

In fact the entire document is so littered with such stupidities one is bound to wonder what their work is like.

Actually that doesn’t matter either because there’s a clause covering that too!
“3.3 Although we will use every reasonable effort to record significant parts of the Event (including any part of the ceremony) the decision as to what is comprised in the recording is in (sic) our absolute discretion. We can give no assurance that we will successfully record any particular aspect of the Event (even though you may have asked us to do so), and any failure by us to capture any particular aspect of the Event or failure does not give you any right to refuse to pay the Price or obtain a refund.”

Perhaps the most damning part of the terms is that they claim to be members of one of the UK’s accreditation groups, the Institute of Videographers. I’ve never been moved to join any such group mainly because their qualifications take no account of someone with 30 years professional production experience and who learned about depth of field and what differential focus was when he was 14. I am however surprised that the organisation doesn’t provide or sell its members draft terms of business which would at least ensure people like this displayed some semblance of professionalism.

[Colin McDonald]

And do they also believe in a Sanity Clause (like the Marx brothers)?

:-)

[Alec Moreno]

That contract could have been shortened to...

"You get what you get."

[Andy Wilkinson]

...."and it'll be bad"

:-)