Magic What?!
 

I was told that there was a preset for Magic Bullet that would turn my production into LAWRENCE OF ARABIA. Well, I haven’t found it, where is it?! I shot an entire scene in my backyard just for this recreation! I’m very upset at this! And to top it all off, my lead is far from the most handsome looking man on Earth...but I only picked him because he was my little down-syndrome brother, and because I thought the LAWRENCE OF ARABIA preset would craft a more Peter O'Toole look for him. Why can’t someone just come out with a plug-in for ameture movie makers, such as myself, who want to go straight to the top?! It could be called the ACADEMY AWARD plug in….or somethin’! mother$%^&@#s!!!

Glenn, okay, calm down, man ... take a deep breath. Remember your cinematography school training: screaming is reserved only for clients, and the talent, if they're overpaid. And maybe the director. Definitely NOT the shooter. Gotta be cool about this. Think of ice cubes ...

Now, I want you to launch Magic Bullet. Go to New: Open: Mood and select Creative Tantrum. When the dialogue box appears, click on the Britney setting. Set your maturity parameters for Calm and Malleable.

Feel better? OK. Now you're set for the Big Time. You want epic filmmaking? You want cosmic panoramas? You want dramatic longueurs?

Under the Magic Bullet icon in your menu bar, click on "About." You'll see the usual boring splash screen with the program number, etc. What most people don't realize is this is more than a mere product ID---THIS IS A FORMULA.

Double-click on the version number and copy it. Launch your onscreen calculator. Paste in the version number and multiply it by your damaged talent's suspected IQ. Copy the product.

Go back to the Mood dialogue box in Magic Bullet. See the little field in the lower right corner? Paste in the product of your calculation and click "Engage."

You're in! Take a moment to enjoy the dancing colors which have replaced your screen background. If your desktop audio's off, turn it on and listen ... hear that tiny, far-off singing? That kind-of-angelic sound? That's your destiny being calculated by the PretensionEngine (TM) buried deep inside the program. And you thought only Spike Jonze had access to this kind of stuff!

The menus which open onscreen will make available to you all the excesses of directors of yore. To invoke David Lean's legendary "style," select his name from the Tottering Idol drop-down menu and click away to your greedy little ego's content. I suggest the Titanically Elephantine setting, and Reed-Thin Plots. These blend well with the Vapid Lead Actors preset.

Apply these secret, undocumented plug-ins and your demented brother will resemble a cross between O'Toole's anorectic pseudo-Arab and Crowe's bloated pseudo-Gladiator. From here on in, he will arrive on time, mostly sober and almost able to act his way out of a paper bag.

(Nada can do about his cognitive deficiencies, 'less you wanna fork over for a pirate copy of Apple's tip-top-secret InstantEndurableDramaticContent algorithm ... but I can't be held responsible for what it does to your system settings.)

And relax, man. You've discovered the Big Time, even if it is only virtual. From now on, you never have to think for yourself or even work very hard on your shoots. Creativity? Elbow grease? Who needs it--you've got the SOFTWARE!

When you win your Academy Award (TM), you can just thank the wizards behind Magic Bullet. Bon appetit!

JS

Thanks! That worked like a charm. I love DVinfo.net!!!

PS. Watch out you silly film people!